Well, I decided since my ASUS I am building is an x64 enabled Hyperthreading intel processor, I am going to go ahead and get Windows XP Pro x64 and to see that if when I finish, it will actually work well and if I can actually use this. Anyone got experience? Anyone at all read this? Hahaha, no, you don't, liars. Please, feel free to leave me a message, comment, anything.

ALSO I am working on launching my website again to get everything running and then after that, I can start selling my skills in Adobe Photoshop and otherwise for design purposes. Well, good day ol' chap.

A man was approached by co-worker at lunch who invited him out for few beers after work. The man said that his wife would never go for it, that she does not allow him to go drinking with the guys after work.

The co-worker suggested a way to overcome that problem: When you get home tonight, sneak into the house, slide down under the sheets, gently pull down your wife's panties, and give her oral sex. Women love it, and believe me, she'll never mention that you were out late with the boys.

So the man agreed to try it, and went out and enjoyed himself. Late that night, he snuck into the house, slid down under the sheets, gently slid down his wife's panties, and gave her oral sex. She moaned and groaned with pleasure, but after a little while, he realized he had to take a leak, so he told her he'd be right back, got out of bed and walked down the hall to the bathroom.

When he opened the door and went in, he was very surprised to see his wife sitting on the toilet.

"How did you get in here?" he asked.

His wife says back, "I'm just getting ready for bed, but my mother stopped by for the night so I let her use our room."

This week has been interesting, I'm suprised my views got over 100! Hurrah! Anyway, I'm going to give you a piece of my photoshop designing, and then quotes from Steven Wrights standup acts.


Now Stephen wright's 1 liners.

"Did you sleep good?" "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
"So, do you live around here often?"
A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, "Why were you going so fast?" I said, "See this thing my foot is on? It's called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it."
A fool and his money are soon partying.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, "Wish you were here."
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths.
About a year ago, my girlfriend was on the pill, wearing a diaphragm, and an IUD all at once. Recently, she had a baby; baby was born wearing armor.
After they make styrofoam, what do they ship it in?
All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store...with a pricing gun. She said, "Give me all of the money in the vault, or I'm marking down everything in the store."
All the plants in my house are dead---I shot them last night. I was teasing them by watering them with ice cubes.
Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!
Change is inevitable....except from vending machines.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.
Do you think when they asked George Washington for his ID, he just pulled out a quarter?
Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I'd be the only one who knew. People come over and I'm gonna say, "Go ahead, touch it...it feels real."
For a while I didn't have a car...I had a helicopter...no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier...I put them in the same room and let them fight it out...then I put wax in the humidifier...now my room's all shiny.
George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge you can't hear him talk.
I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him... "Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He's much smarter now... Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.
I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don't know how I got there, but I can't leave.
I bought a self-learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to sleep; the record had a skip. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the Gift Wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
I broke a mirror in my house. I'm supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
I broke my arm trying to fold a bed. It wasn't the kind that folds.
I can levitate birds. No one cares.
I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a right." So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a left. My mother was there, and she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep."
I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
I don't have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.
I don't like the sound of my phone ringing so I put my phone inside my fish tank. I can't hear it, but every time I get a call I see the fish go like this <<<>>><<>><<<<. I go down to the pet store -- "Gimme another ten guppies, I got a lotta calls yesterday."
I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one—it wasn't doing what I was doing.
I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.
I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go."
I got up one morning, couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said, "They're behind the couch." And they were!
I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.
I had some eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.
I had to stop driving my car for a while. The tires got dizzy.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
I have a box of powdered water. I never know what to add.
I have a decaffeinated coffee table. You'd never know it to look at it.
I have an answering machine in my car. It says, "I'm home now. But leave a message and I'll call when I'm out."
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I have two very rare photographs. One is a picture of Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is a rare photograph of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the gas, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I installed a skylight in my apartment. The people who live above me are furious!
I invented the cordless extension cord.
I just lost a buttonhole. [while looking at stage floor]
I know a man who is a midget dwarf, he's this tall. [holding his thumb and forefinger three inches apart] He poses for trophies.
I like candy canes; they're my favorite candy. But I only like the white part.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I locked my keys in the car the other day. But it was alright; I was still inside.
I met this wonderful girl at Macy's. She was buying clothes and I was putting Slinkies on the escalator.
I mix my water myself—two parts H and one part O.
I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.
I play the harmonica. The only way I can play is if I get my car going really fast, and stick it out the window. I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles per hour. The harmonica sounds *amazing*.
I plugged my phone in where the blender used to be. I called someone. They went "Aaaaahhhh..."
I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles.
I put hardwood floors on top of wall-to-wall carpet.
I put my air conditioner in backwards. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. "It was supposed to be hot today."
I recently got a new camera. It's so advanced, you don't even need it.
I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that much time.
I saw a friend recently. He asked why I hadn't called him. I told him I can't call everyone I want because my new phone has no 5 on it. He asked me how long I had had the phone, but I couldn't tell him because my calendar has no sevens on it.
I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.
I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 Miles". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
I stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
I tried to hang myself with bungee cord. I kept almost dying.
I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn't park anywhere near the place.
I want to get a full body tattoo of myself, only bigger.
I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.
I was arrested for selling illegal-sized paper.
I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell... except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window...
I was cleaning out my closet and I found this old bathing suit I'd made out of sponges. I remember when I wore it to the pool. When I left, and no one could go swimming until I came back.
I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..."
I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he said, "Hey, these records are all blank."
I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, "Let me ask you a question. If you are in a car that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?" He said, "I don't know." I said, "I don't think I want to work for you."
I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. "We're surrounded."
I was once arrested for walking in someone else's sleep.
I was reading the dictionary; I thought it was a poem about everything.
I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I went camping and borrowed a circus tent by mistake. I didn't notice until I got it set up. People complained because they couldn't see the lake.
I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know, but to me they're the same because I go by thickness."
I went to a garage sale. "How much for the garage?" "It's not for sale."
I went to a general store, but they wouldn't let me buy anything specific.
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to court for a parking ticket. I pleaded insanity. I said, "Your honor, why would anyone in their right mind park in the passing lane?"
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues that are in all the other museums.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor to it.
I wish, when I was born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote."
I woke up one day and everything in the apartment had been stolen and replaced with an exact replica. I said to my roommate "Can you believe this? Everything in the apartment has been stolen and replaced with an exact replica." He said, "Do I know you?"
I worked as a parking attendant at Logan Airport, I parked jets. They had to let me go though because I kept locking the keys in them. One day I was on an 86 foot stepladder trying to get in the window with a coat hanger.
I worked in a health food store once. A guy came in and asked me, "If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?"
I wrote a few children's books...not on purpose.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, "I think I might have written that."
I'm a very difficult size to shop for; I'm an extra-medium.
I'm going to court next week. I've been selected for jury duty. It's kind of an insane case -- 6000 ants dressed up as rice and robbed a Chinese restaurant. I don't think they did it.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done, so now I just have to fill in the rest.
I'm writing an unauthorized autobiography. When it's finished I'm going to sue myself.
Imagine how deep the sea would be if there weren't any sponges.
In my new house there's a switch on the wall that doesn't do anything, so for fun I'd just flick it up and down, over and over. Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany. It just said, "Cut it out."
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas. I just think about it.
I've been getting into astonomy, so I installed a skylight. The people that live above me are furious.
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to paint it...
Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.
Last year me and my friend George drove across the country. We switched every half mile. We only had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip...I can't remember what it was.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my shadow.
Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.
I like my dental hygienist. I think she's very pretty. So when I'm waiting in her office I eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies. Sometimes she has to cancel all her other appointments.
My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six."
My friend has a baby. I'm writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
My grandfather gave me a watch. It doesn't have any hands or numbers. He says it's very accurate. I asked him what time it was. You can guess what he told me.
My house is made out of balsa wood. When no one is home across the street, except the little kids, I go out and lift my house up over my head. I tell them to stay out of my yard or I'll throw it at them.
My house is on the median strip of a highway. You don't really notice, except I have to leave the driveway doing 60 MPH.
My uncle was a clown for Ringling Bros. Circus, and when he died, all his friends came in one car.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
Next week I'm going to have an MRI to find out if I have claustrophobia.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
On the other hand, you have different fingers.
One day I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
One time I woke up in the middle of the night and I was hungry. I went to the convenience store and noticed it was closed. The sign said "Open 24 hours" and there was a guy locking the door. I said "Hey, your sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Not in a row!"
One time the power went out in my house and I had to use the flash on my camera to see my way around. I made a sandwich and took fifty pictures of my face. My neighbors called the police. They thought there was lightning in my house.
Right now I'm having amnesia and déjà vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this before.
The ice cream truck in my neighborhood plays Helter Skelter.
The other day I bought a decaffeinated coffee table.
The other day I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the deli.
The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.
The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge.
The other night I came home late, and tried to unlock my house with my car keys. I started the house up. So, I drove it around for a while. I was speeding, and a cop pulled me over. He asked where I lived. I said, "right here, officer". Later, I parked it on the freeway, got out, and yelled at all the cars, "Get out of my driveway!"
The severity of the itch is proportional to the reach.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices. In the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge...
This isn't all true.
Tinsel is really snake mirrors.
Today I dialed a wrong number... The other person said, "Hello?" and I said, "Hello, could I speak to Joey?"... They said, "Uh... I don't think so...he's only 2 months old." I said, "I'll wait."
Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, "So. What did you think?"
When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.
When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually.
When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?"
When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody's perfect so I stopped practicing.
Winnie and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity...If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head. If you wanted to cook, you had to pull off a sweater real quick.
Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area was missing.
You know how it is when you're walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there's one more step? I'm like that all the time.
You know that feeling when you're leaning back in a chair, and then you lean back too far and start to fall and just at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time.
You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

I may have lacked an update last night, sorry, I was kinda busy trying to get this stupid computer to work, and I'm still working on it. In my life currently, I've got to fix this thing so I can use Photoshop on it instead of my slow laptop, and so far so good. Anyway, other then that, I've learned my teacher is quite good at teaching, she'll get you emotional and everything and you'll be so into the lesson, she could flat out be lying and you wouldn't think twice about it.

Well I know everyone only reads this for the jokes, so here you go, this times it's kids and religion.

A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin 5, and Ryan 3.

The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.

Their mother saw the opportunity for a moral lesson.

"If Jesus were sitting here, He would say,

'Let my brother have the first pancake, I can wait.'

Kevin turned to his younger brother and said,

"Ryan, you be Jesus!"

=================================================
A father was at the beach with his children  when the four-year-old son ran up to him, grabbed his hand, and led him to the shore where a seagull lay dead in the sand.

"Daddy, what happened to him?" the son asked.

"He died and went to Heaven," the Dad replied.

The boy thought a moment and then said,

"Did God throw him back down?"

==================================================
A wife invited some people to dinner.

At the table, she turned to their six-year-old daughter and said,

"Would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," the girl replied.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say," the wife answered.

The daughter bowed her head and said,

"Lord, why on earth did I invite all these people to dinner?"

I guess you don't want me to guarentee daily updates, nobody likes me eh? Thats a shame... Too bad. Anyway, I've got the problems with my computer and I hate it, I hate it alot, and I want it to work NOW so I can use it right!! In addition to that problem, I need to load all the new brushes, actions, etc etc into Photoshop. But I am proud to announce I have ADOBE PHOTOSHOP CS3 AND THE ULTIMATE PACK WITH ALL CS3 PRODUCTS! It kicks ass, serious... It kicks ass... Thats how painful it is to use right.

Ok, the only reason you read is for a joke, so here ya go. It's actually pretty funny for a religious joke, yay for Jesus.

A Jewish father was concerned about his son who was about a year away from his Bar Mitzvah but was sorely lacking in his knowledge of the Jewish faith.

To remedy this he sent his son to Israel to experience his heritage. A year later the young man returned home. "Father, thank you for sending me to the land of our Fathers, " the son said. "It was wonderful and enlightening, however, I must confess that while in Israel I converted to Christianity." "Oi vey," replied the father, "what have I done?"

So in the tradition of the patriarchs he went to his best friend and sought his advice and solace. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated his friend, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian."

So in the traditions of the Patriarchs they went to the Rabbi. "It is amazing that you should come to me," stated the Rabbi, "I too sent my son to Israel and he returned a Christian. What is happening to our sons?" Brothers, we must take this to God," said the Rabbi. They fell to their knees and began to wail and pour out their hearts to the Almighty.

As they prayed the clouds above opened and a mighty voice stated, "Amazing that you should come to Me. I, too, sent My Son to Israel."

So yea, we had my birthday recently, and it was quite fun out at my friends house. Only about 3-4 people knew it was my birthday, so it wasn't a party for me, but for just having a party that night. I may add, Mojito's with mint IN them (the leaf) are gross and should not be in the blender unless you want to be punched. Otherwise, still trying to fix my ASUS P5AD2 Motherboard, and it's not going well, I may just pay some professional computer nerds 30 bucks to do it.... It sucks, alot. I also should get a new case so that it doesn't overheat from all the overclocking I plan on doing.

ANYWAY if you want my site updated daily, you should be getting me over 100 views today! Thats the rule, in 8 hours, the deals off, so lets see it!

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question. Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?"

Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT." It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of."

"That's very good!" replied the interviewer. "And now you sir?" he asked the second man.

"Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of."

"Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliche for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply.

"Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of."

The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light," he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers. It's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA."

"WHAT!?" said the interviewer, stunned by the response.

"Oh I can explain." said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good, and I ran for the bathroom, but, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already s'hit in my pants."

Old Bubba is now the new greeter at a Wal-Mart near you!

I will inform you quickly about my life..... Gf and I have been dating 9 months. I miss my friend who moved out to the Carribean, I fucked up on getting 2 jobs so yea.

Also, I got new surround sound speakers! WOO HOO!


We thought this standardized form would help simplify the dating process and make it more business-like...

Dear _______________,

I regret to inform you that you have been eliminated from further contention as "The Perfect Guy [ ] Girl [ ]". As you are probably aware, the competition was exceedingly tough and dozens of well-qualified candidates such as yourself also failed to make the final cut.

I will, however, keep your name on file should an opening come available. So that you may find better success in your future romantic endeavors, please allow me to offer the following reason(s) you were disqualified from the competition:

(Check those that apply)

___Your last name is objectionable. I can't imagine taking it, hyphenating it, or subjecting my children to it.

___Your first name is objectionable. It's just not something I can picture myself yelling out in a fit of passion.

___The fact that our first dining experience to date has left MY wallet a little lighter, and YOUR pants a little tighter!

___Your inadvertent admission that you "buy condoms by the truckload" indicates that you may be interested in me for something other than my personality.

___You failed the 20 Question Rule, i.e., I asked you 20 questions about yourself before you asked me more than one about myself.

___Your legs are skinnier than mine. If you can FIT into my pants, then you can't GET into my pants.

___You're too short. Any son that we produced would inevitably be beaten up repeatedly at recess.

___You're too tall. I'm developing a chronic neck condition from trying to kiss you.

___You have a hairy back.

___I find your inability to fix my car extraordinarily unappealing.

___The fact that your apartment has been condemned reveals an inherent slovenliness that I fear is unbreakable.

___The phrase "My Mother" has popped up far too often in conversation.

___Although I do enjoy the X-Files, I find your wardrobe of Star Trek uniforms a little disconcerting.

___Your frequent references to your ex-girlfriend lead me to suspect that you are some sort of psychotic stalker.

___Your ability to belch the alphabet is not a trait that I am seeking in a long term partner.

___Your height is out of proportion to your weight. If you should, however, happen to gain the necessary 17 vertical inches, please resubmit your application.

___Somehow I doubt those condoms that I found in your overnight bag were really necessary for a successful business trip.

___I am out of your league; set your sights lower next time.


Sincerely, _________________________________


PS: If you'd like to give me advice on setting up an Asus P5AD2 Deluxe motherboard, go ahead.

I get the odd feeling every time I start writing in this blog, people check in for the jokes and then just check out. Well here, I'll give you a picture and a joke, byes.
A little boy and his grandfather are raking leaves in the yard. The little
boy finds an earthworm trying to get back into its hole. He says, "Grandpa,
I bet I can put that worm back in that hole."

The grandfather replies, "I'll bet you five dollars you can't. It's too
wiggly and limp to put back in that little hole."

The little boy runs into the house and comes back out with a can of hair
spray. He sprays the worm until it is straight and stiff as a board. Then
he puts the worm back into the hole.

The grandfather hands the little boy five dollars, grabs the hair spray, and
runs into the house. Thirty minutes later the grandfather comes back out and
hands the little boy another five dollars.

The little boy says, "Grandpa, you already gave me five dollars."

The grandfather replies, "I know. That's from your grandma"


PS: I just blew my speakers, to explain the music.

This weeks been slightly hectic, moving around all the time doing things. There was bowling to being offered a job as a graphic designer at a place dealing with handicap accessories I think it was, then doing school work and trying to keep my gf satisfied. Ah, what I very hard and strenous process...

Anyway, otherwise my life has been great, just trying to get better since I'm sick and my throat is a big wussy for always being in pain and coughing, it needs to just suck it up and bite an ear of or something. I mean, thats the manly way right? Ah, well, it's probably my fault anyway for fighting the knife weilding monkeys on the street. Meh.

Jokes, this time in pun form.

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was "a salted".

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says:

A beer please, and one for the road."

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other:

"Does this taste funny to you?"

7. "Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome." "Is it common?" Well, "It's Not Unusual."

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to Dolly, "I was artificially inseminated this morning." "I don't believe you,"says Dolly. "It's true, no bull!" exclaims Daisy.


9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.

11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't - I've cut off your arms!"

13. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says "Dam!".

16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse.
"But why,"they asked, as they moved off.
"Because", he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."

18. A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."

19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him .(Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good).... A super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

20. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh.
No pun in ten did.

I'm getting back into them with all my free time, from Dance Dance Revolution, to Halo, to MMORPGs like Silkroad Online. Can anyone blame me? NO! Because I don't have a job. So ha!

Now if only I wasn't such a nerd I'd settle down and work at burger king, and try to make it to that deluxe apartment, in the sky, but I'm not moving on up, oh no.

I'm a lazy bum.
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UNANSWERED QUESTIONS

Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece
on those little bottles of Evian water?
Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE
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Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant
Like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

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If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...
Does that mean that one enjoys it?

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There are three religious truths:
Jews do not recognize Jesus as the Messiah.
Protestants do not recognize the Pope as the Leader of the Christian Faith.
Baptists do not recognize each other in the liquor store or at Hooters.
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If people from Poland are called Poles,
then why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
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Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
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If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

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Why do croutons come in airtight packages?
Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?
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Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist,
But a person who drives a race car is not called a racist?

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Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?
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If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked,
then doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted,
musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed,
tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?
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If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
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Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

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What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
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I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible
a whole lot more as they get older;
then it dawned on me, they're cramming for their final exam.
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I thought about how mothers feed the! ir babies with tiny little spoons and forks, so I wondered what do Chi nese mothers use. Toothpicks?

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Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office?
What are we supposed to do, write to them?
Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?
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If it's true that we are here to help others,
then what exactly are the others here for?
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You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.
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Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?
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If a cow snorted when it laughed
would milk come out of her nose?
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Whatever happened to Preparations A through G?
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As income tax time approaches,

did you ever notice that when you put the two words "The" and "IRS" together
it spells "THEIRS"?

Everything is well, I am easily amused, and looking around my room and seeing everything and the pictures, it's just so great to have it all new! Oh it feels sooooo good. And today has been slow, monday was discussion about drugs all day for sociology and disapointingly today, we just cut it brief, however I found an interesting ad about "Lost Medical Marijuana" where a neighbor stole his neighbors pot. HAHA! Oh they got screwed. Too bad, thats a shame, good day ya'll.

Well now, I guess you'd like a joke... Fine. Haha, you know I love them.

Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife.
Tearfully she explained, "It's the druggist - he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the druggist and demand an apology.

Before he could say more than a word or two, the druggist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it.
This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up.
I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, just to realize that I locked the house with both house and car keys inside.
I had to break a window to get my keys.

Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up.
I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off.

Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor.
I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke.

Meanwhile, the phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it.
It was your wife - she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.

And Mister, I told her!!!"